It's my first night physically alone.
I have to start a new path all on my own.
Though always together emotionally,
We're separated by distance,
Temporarily.
The day I got the news that you were accepted into Sonoma, that hurt, but I tried so hard to wear a smile for you because I wanted you to see that I was so proud and happy for you. The last thing I wanted was for you to feel bad.
The realization that we only had two weeks left, that hurt. I tried so hard to cherish every simple moment with my baby.
The days leading up to your departure, that really hurt. I cried a lot during this time, randomly, just at little thoughts.
The night before you left, we sat in your bed hysterically crying together - fearful of what may lay ahead of us.
The morning you left, I tried so hard to pretend that you were just leaving for another soccer camp and that you'd be home in just a few days. But reality hit when I held you for the last time. It hit even harder when I drove away. It hit hardest when Bryan opened the door and I lost it, sobbing uncontrollably.
I've been distracted all day, again pretending that you'll be back in a few days. But tonight, my first night alone, the full reality is settling in.
You're not coming back. I'm here, alone.
I am purely holding onto the memories of the past year and a half, holding onto the promises we made each other, holding onto the trust we've established and the honesty we've vowed to keep.
I'm holding onto pretty much everything except you. I don't get to hold you anymore.
It kills me. It stings. It burns. It cuts right through my heart knowing this.
Holding, touching, loving, laughing with you has been apart of my everyday routine for the past year and a half. Today, it changes.
I know that we can do this. And I have no doubt in us, I just ask for your patience as I adjust because everywhere I look you're there, and I see, hear, and feel memories of us everywhere.
You've been my family for the past year since my own family moved away. You were my support system and my source of love and light. I'm now living here in San Diego, alone. No close family, no you.
I love you. More than I could ever explain to anyone. So many times before I've thought that I was in love. But I let go of those people so easily. I could never let go of you.
Nobody has ever meant this much to me. I can't imagine anyone else ever meaning nearly this much to me.
Julian Louis Pantano, you're my baby, my sunshine, my everything. I love you more than I could begin to understand. I know we can do this, because we are strong and so very in love.
