Everyone has a certain roller coaster to their life, and I guess mine goes a little like this.
Up and down goes my relationship with my dad.
Details? I'm not for it right now but I can say this:
I'm over it.
I'm over always chasing this image of who I'm suppose to be,
Who I'm told to be, raised to be, trained to be.
But never am I allowed to be who I really am.
And God forbid I have any imperfections.
Let's talk imperfections.
My imperfections?
I fall in love a lot.
I trust too easily.
I chase the aesthetics in life, sometimes.
I make irrational and quick decisions based on love.
I am tad bit wild - wildly impulsive and wildly enjoying life and all the things in it.
Why? Because thats the damn best way to do it.
I'm not at an age where I should be taking things slow.
Things are being thrown at me at a crazy pace and I want to dance with it.
I want to discover who I am and what I like and what I don't like
But most of all, I want to make my own life decisions.
I'm not the kind of girl that would be caught doing anything harmful to herself,
That is where I draw the line.
But for everything else in life - well screw it! I'm nineteen and loving it.
I used to want to major in broadcast journalism, or any type of journalism really, and whenever I told my dad, he would just say how hard that would be, how competitive, and how low of a pay I would get. But the day I told him that I was considering speech therapy as my new major, he gave me a huge hug and told me how proud he was of me.
In that moment, I realized how my original dream didn't match up with what would make daddy proud, so I changed it so that it would. Do I actually want to be a speech therapist? Yes. But this time it's not for my dad. It's for me.
And from now on, that's how I'm going to live my life. For me. Me.
Because after being alive for nineteen years and struggling with depression and brokenness, I am finally happy. I no longer care about his standards, I care about me.
Dad, I will always love you and I will always admire you for your success and ability to survive the unimaginable. I will always take your advice, if given kindly, and will always see your side, if you see mine. That's how relationships work. It goes both ways.
But in the mean time, I'm happy doing me.
And that's what I choose to be.
Happy.
-mittens
