Growing up, I have always been friends with the skinny pretty girls.
But I've never felt like one of them.
I tell very few people that I feel this way though, because weakness is something I hate to show. If you've been a person that I've professed my insecurities to, then consider yourself well-trusted.
Lately, especially since college has started, I've become more and more insecure. And it's starting to kill me. It's all I think about, all the time. Every pudge or anything that can be pinched, I hate it. It's eating me away, and causing a deep depression.
I know I'm not really fat. I know I'm just being extremely self-critical. But it is what it is.
I look at myself in pictures and see a whale. I look at myself in the mirror and feel so unhappy.
I know to some, I sound ridiculous. I'm sure I sound like a stupid, self-absorbed, and first-world-problem-bitching brat, but it's how I feel and I'm not going to say sorry for that.
I'm sure some are wondering, "Why doesn't she stop bitching and just work out?"
Well, I'm wondering the same thing.
I do work out, just not as often and consistently as I need to in order to get results. Why? Because I'm balancing school, work, relationships, and a million other distractions. But I know how it goes, "no excuses."
I'm trying.
As cliche as setting a new year's resolutions is, I am going to. And I will start working out more, and I will lose fifteen pounds by the end of the semester.
It takes a lot for me to confess this publicly. I just needed to disclose my pain in a permanent form so that I can look back at this post and remember how I felt when I wrote this - hopefully to keep me motivated.
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| This pictures reminds me of my insecurities, the way I stand to hide the fact that I don't have abs like my friends. |
- mittens.
