There are times when I want to walk away. How easy that would be, to drop it all and move on. Well truth is, I do that a lot. Not so much with duties and responsibilities, but with people. I tend to drop people. Why? Because I know the battle to keep the friendship/relationship alive isn't worth it. It isn't worth the anger, the frustration, and the wounds - to me. Granted, I have been wrong quite a few times.
My greatest example of failure? I'm just going to go out and say it, I'm not afraid. Christine and Tiffany. They might not feel the same as I do when I say this, but we had some pretty darn good times. Two years of friendship was more than just friendship... it was insane silly-ness, slap-happy times, tears, smiles, laughs, memories, moments, everything that is ideal to a long lasting friendship. The bond between those two were the strongest, but I'm so grateful that they shared with me a piece of that bond for the time I had with them. I know I messed up. I know I turned the friendship into a competition. Why? Because I felt threatened. That's how I react. And I ruined everything. Well, my move to california would have ruined it too. I just wish we lasted throughout the summer for me to enjoy the three of us one last time. I'm sorry. I know I've said that plenty of times but I really am sorry for all the pain I've caused you both. I'm sorry that every time you think of me now, all you feel is blood rushing and your pulse throbbing. I'm sorry I hurt you two. I can honestly say it will never happen again, because I know sadly, we will never happen again. Thank you for showing me what a real friendship was. What I shared with you guys, that instant connection, I can't seem to find anywhere else.
I'm stuck tonight with another decision. What will I do? I don't know. I'm standing on the borderline between running for it or sucking it up only to hope that it will pass. Pro's to running for it: No one will follow me. No one will find me. I can start over, again. Where? No idea. But it's evident that I've only been a destructing force here. I have a huge thing on not quitting duties and responsibilities, but everything has a breaking point.
Mine is closer than anyone thinks.
Believe it or not, I'm not as strong as I make myself out to be. I can't handle most of the things I put on my plate. I can't take the low blows, high blows, or gut-wrenching punches people throw at me. But I act like I can. They consider it the truth, I consider it the beginning of a long road. A road of lost self-competence.
It begins with withdrawal, which leads to self-removal, and finally after the first two steps have executed cleanly, it concludes with disappearance. But the question still lies... should I do it? It really wouldn't be that difficult to pick my roots up once again. I've only been 6 months in.
Right now, I want to quit. But tomorrow morning I might feel differently. I have to let time allow rationality to make the decision for me. In time, I will know.
- mittens.
